The Power of Kinship: How Naika Became a Foster Mom

I think in hindsight, God ordained me to sort of step into this role and be this person for my godson.

When his mother asked me to be his godmother 13 years ago, he knew that I'd have to step up in this way, and that's why he deemed me worthy enough to be my godson's godmother, because I'd have to, you know, step in and be mom for a little while.

It's the Foster to Forever podcast. Happy stories of non traditional families born through Foster to Adopt. I'm your host, Rachel Fulgenetti. I am here today with NYEEKA Andre.

We got connected by a mutual friend. I have to give her a shout out. Marissa Renee Lee. She's awesome. She's an author, she's a connector, and she brought us together.

I'm really happy that you're here.

Thank you. I'm happy to be here.

Tell me about your foray into foster care and what that's been like for you, what it was like for you. Give us some background.

Yeah. So I got into foster care via kingship. Foster care for my godson, who's also my cousin, my younger cousin.

I have no background or I don't even know anyone who's done fostering or has been through the adoption process. So all of this was very new to me at the time.

My aunt had some very serious mental health issues and was beginning to become a danger to herself and a danger to her son. And so my family and I had to sort of make the decision. I had to make the decision to step up in a major way.

And that's how I became the foster mom for my godson.

Yeah. And how old was he at the time?

He was 10. And I was his foster mother for a year and a half until he transitioned full time with his dad, his bio dad.

Okay, so you had. Were you living by yourself? Why was it you that was like, okay, I can do this?

So my foster son is my godson. So we. I've been in his life since birth. His mother, you know, asked me to be his godmother.

At the time, I was living with my parents and my siblings, as well as my nephew and a cousin of mine. So we have a really big family and my foster son was actually living with us with his mom.

And so the transition happened where we created a space for him and then mom had to leave.

Gotcha. Were you close with him?

I was already.

You were like, already close with him. Okay, so that was easy.

Yeah. Since the. Since birth.

Right, right.

Yeah.

And how did he handle that, like, when mom had to go away? How. What was that? Like.

It'S difficult for anybody to be without their mother. And I think as a young boy of 10 years old, he had a lot of questions. And kids that age don't really understand, you know, mental illness.

And so just trying to explain to him that, you know, mom's away because she needs to get better. And, you know, we never. Mom wasn't an off the subject, off topic or off subject kind of thing. We always spoke about her.

We wanted to make sure that he knew that she was part of the family and that we love her and that she loves him. And so. But it was very difficult.

We did child play, and he had a therapist, and so we had a lot of support and a lot of resources to help him process those emotions.

Sure, sure. And did he have visitations with her?

He did early on until mom had to go away.

Okay. And then he hasn't seen her for a little while. Gotcha. Gotcha.

I'm curious, because there's another dynamic when it's a family situation, a kinship situation. It brings in different feelings, different, you know, positives and negatives, I'm sure. Can you speak to that a little bit?

Absolutely. So, I mean, it was great that, you know, he was. He was going into the process with me as his godmother.

Prior to the process even happening, we always spent a lot of time with each other.

So it just made sense that I was the second best person to care for him because I was that sort of involved in his life already and him being with me, I think it was exciting to him because as his godmother, like, I did a lot of fun things with him when he was with mom. And so naturally, there was a sort of a continuation of that being with me and the rest of my family.

He was still able to see, you know, his cousins, his aunts, his uncles.

Right? Yes.

So that didn't change at all.

Right. And his school, he stayed in the same school and all of that kind of stuff. Yeah.

So I can imagine that that is, you know, so much better than being carted off to a completely different family, a completely different everything.

I mean, prior to me or while I was getting my licensure, he was with an aunt of mine for a month or so so that we can, you know, do all the things that we needed to do in order to be in compliance for him to come back.

Sure, sure. Was your aunt already? She was certified as a foster person or. Oh, you mean. Or you mean his mom?

No, no, I mean another. Another aunt.

Another aunt. Okay, correct.

Who didn't have. She had a. It was just her and her husband and so she was able to. There was less for her to do in order to come into compliance.

Whereas myself, I lived with at least seven family members. So we all sort of had to go through an application process and get vetted.

So that's right, because for listeners who don't know, anyone who is in the home needs to go through that process and get FBI live scans and did they have to do a home study and interview all the people that were living in the house and all of that kind of stuff? I can imagine that took a while. How long did that take?

I think it took maybe three, almost three months. We also had a cat. So we went to make sure our cat was up to date with her vet appointments.

And it was really like a project management, a project managing task for me just to make sure that everyone else is doing their part in order so that we could speed up the licensure process.

Yeah, no, that makes sense. That makes sense. And so you were really the one driving the ship, so to speak.

Yes, absolutely.

Yeah. And was there ever any sense of sort of contention amongst his mom or was she sort of happy to.

Not happy but like she knew that she needed to get help and she went to get help. Or was it a struggle, a power dynamic in the family or within that extended family?

Definitely a struggle. Mom was not. Because mom was not acknowledging of her mental health issues. And I think she's still not acknowledging that.

And so, you know, she sort of felt like I was taking her son away from her.

And that didn't feel good because we once had a really great relationship and it was hard to sort of explain to her that we are doing this for the betterment of you and for the betterment of your son. So it's felt like a battle.

Yeah, yeah, I can see that. I can see that. Yeah. That's the hard part. It's not like, you know, when you're. It's just a separate family that doesn't have any.

That you don't know.

Yeah, exactly. That's a really. That's a big difference.

So what was it like to all of a sudden go from being just largely responsible for yourself to being responsible for a 10 year old boy? What was that like for you?

It was a shock. It was very hard.

Yeah.

I mean, granted, I am grateful that I had the support of my family, but now suddenly have to. I was running. I Am running my own business. I was running my own business at the time. That sort of took a back burner.

Everything in my life took a back burner. I had to go onto prescribed anxiety medication. It was a really difficult couple of years for me and just having to adjust.

Yesterday I wasn't a mom, and then all of a sudden I'm a mom and learning on the job. So it was very difficult. A rollercoaster, for sure.

Sure. And did he have any special needs that needed to be attended to?

So he had some issues with asthma. And so we were frequenting his doctors often. And then on the education front, we had to sort of set up a. I forget what these.

He needed some special attention.

An iep.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I never. I never knew what that was.

And suddenly I'm in contact with, you know, all the teachers at school and, you know, the school social worker and the principal, and there were a lot of moving parts, a lot of different people.

Yeah. It's incredible. Yes. All the different appointments that you have to go to and you don't really realize. I think a lot of people.

I certainly didn't realize just how many appointments and specialists and social workers and people that you need to open your home up to or get the child to those appointments and. Or. And then always filling out the paperwork. Like, it's not just bringing them to the appointment.

It's that you need to document everything and you really have to be somebody who's, like, relatively organized.

Did you.

Were you that person anyway? Like, was that part easy for you or. Because for me, no, I'm not like that organized. It was difficult.

I'm a very much type a person, so I'm always writing notes. And during the process, I remember, like, having. I had a folder on my laptop. I had a physical folder. I had all the forms.

So I was really good at documenting and sort of keeping track of everything.

Oh, that's good.

I realized early on that it was very important to document what was being.

Said, you know, so that.

So that if anyone caught amnesia along the way, you know, I have the notes.

Yes. And that's a really good piece of it, too. So you appeared in court, I'm sure, to give updates from time to time. Or not. We.

During that time, court was virtual and over the phone. Okay, I see either over zoom or over the phone.

So I think was it during the. Physically go into the pandemic?

Right, right.

And did you. Did you speak to the situation or were you just kind of there to answer questions if they were asked of you both. Yeah.

So they would ask updates on how he's doing in school, how his medical history is doing socially. So I was always present and giving them an update and feedback on how he's doing.

Did you see changes after mom went away? Were there changes and what were those changes?

There were behavioral changes at school. Just him frustrated doing things that, you know, he's never done before.

And so therapy really helped with that, and just having him talk about his feelings, and the school social worker and I became very acquainted. So they were. His school was a great support system.

So that's great. That's great. And for you, the mental health piece, I think it's wonderful that you recognized that you needed to get some help.

Also, had you already had. What kind of supports did you have in place or what did you need to put in place to make sure that you were okay through the process?

Initially, the support that I had in place was just my friend circle, just being able to call them and discuss what I was feeling. And then I realized that I need another layer, which is when I got a therapist.

And then she recommended a psychiatrist, who then it was with her that we decided that prescribed medications would be the next step.

Sometimes that's really the way to go. And there's no substitution. I speak from experience, you know, like, yeah, sometimes.

And it's perfectly okay. It's perfectly normal, perfectly fine.

100%. Good for you. How many months was he in foster care? And were you thinking, after a while, hmm, I wonder if this is gonna end in adoption or what?

What was that like?

Uh, I'd say he was in foster care for 12 months.

Okay.

From, you know, a little longer than 12 months. A year and a half from when he moved with my aunt and then until reunification with dad. And what was the other question?

And had. Well, let me back up a little bit. Had dad been in the picture the whole time or not?

Dad was in the picture when he was much younger, and so he didn't really remember a relationship with dad, so he sort of had to be. To him, he was a stranger.

And so that was another part of the process, Them sort of getting to know each other, realizing how much they have in common.

He lived in the area. Like, he lived close by. And the county, I'm assuming, found him and said, hey, you know, you need to. Or. Right. Like, you need to come in, like.

Or notified him of what's going on in mom's mental health situation.

Got it.

And, yeah, of course he wanted to help. He was not aware of Any of this. So.

Right, right, right. And how was the child at that point with the dad? Like, I'm sure it took some getting used to, but they hit it off.

Confused. Like, who was this man? Confused and excited. I would say those are the two major feelings that he felt.

But as soon as he got past the confusion was excitement. And I remember a specific conversation, or I think it was the three of us. And he calls me nenen, which means godmother in Creole. I'm Haitian.

We're Haitian. And so he was like, nenen. We have the. Look at our hands. We have the same hands, the same shape, the same pattern, and.

And the fingers bend the same way and they both like soccer. And so he really enjoys, you know, his father. And his father really enjoys him.

Oh, that's beautiful. That's really wonderful. That. I'm sure it doesn't always go that way. So that's really. That's really positive. That's wonderful.

Yeah, we're very lucky.

How did this experience change you? Did you can.

I mean, it's a big question, but I guess we'll start with after this experience, did you think about continuing to do any kind of foster care? Did you think about having children, adoption, anything like that? What was that like for you?

Well, I do want children in the future. The experience has changed me. It's made me, you know, stronger. It's. I think having gone through that experience, I've.

I understand the proverb, it takes a village. I understand or I'm able to ask for help. And I'm not afraid to ask for help or let my family and friends know that I need their support.

As I said earlier, I'm a very type a person, very hyper independent. And so it's allowed me to be more vulnerable and so I can ask for more help.

It showed me how much courage and strength I have and one of my many purposes in this world. And so I'm grateful to have gone through that experience with the little human that I went through it with.

It's incredible. Yeah, it's a wonderful, enriching experience for both of you to have that. And you'll always have that.

Yeah, yeah.

Are you. Do you still see him a lot?

I do. I was just with him or I just dropped off his clarinet at school yesterday. So I see him every week. It just depends on what's going on.

Sometimes he spends a weekend with me. We talk often and his dad and I co parent.

Nice.

Yeah.

What does that look like? Yeah, what does it look like?

So we'll Start a tag team for school. If there's a parent teacher conference, we'll discuss among ourselves if we're able to go together. Or he goes or I go.

So I take him to soccer practice games. Dad and I will sort of, you know, communicate amongst ourselves and see what our schedule looks like.

And so we're both very present in his life together. In addition to, you know, he has a stepmom as well.

Okay. Okay, great. That's so great. Because I do believe in it takes a village. I really do. And I think that's. That's wonderful and is.

So mom is really still out of the picture. She's not. She's. Yeah, gotcha.

Still out of the picture.

Yeah. Okay. And do you hold hope or do you. Would you. Are you in communication with her at all?

Do you think there's a possibility for them to at some point have a relationship?

It is my hope that they will reconnect. I'm not sure when mom will come back into the picture. I mean, I. I'm a little nervous as to what she'll say, so I'm not sure. But I do.

I'm very hopeful that they'll reconnect. I don't know when, but what she'll.

Say about where she was or what she'll say about you or what she'll say about anything, I think, about anything.

How the entire process transpired. Right. Like, unfortunately, her son was removed from her care and then placed with me. And so. And just I imagine that she's.

She's saddened that she had to miss, you know, so many years.

And I pray and hope that she doesn't hold any resentfulness or animosity towards me and that we can go back to the way things once were prior to, you know, mental health issues.

Yeah. Yeah. I hope that for you too. I'll hold that as a vision. Yeah. Yeah.

Thank you.

So I want to talk about what you do for a living, and then I want to talk about how, like, what you do for a living has been impacted by this experience. So tell us, you're obviously an interior designer. That's your job or you own an interior designer firm.

Correct.

Okay.

I am the founder and principal designer of NJA Interiors. We are a residential firm that works with families to design their home. Renovations, kitchen and baths.

And we specialize in just infusing more joy into our family's lives.

And so having gone through this process, how that's impacted my career is I now know that I really want to work with foster families having Been through the process myself.

I can empathize with foster families and I know the importance of a well designed home, especially going through that process from like the parents point of view and the child's point of view. It's very important for both parents and the child to have a safe space.

Yes.

And I wanna create that for more families.

I love that. What does that look like? Starting first with the. For the child and then we'll move on to the parents.

Sure. So for any licensure, there is a safety checklists.

And so that includes prepping the home for the child, fire extinguishers, lockable storage outlet covers. Lots of different things coming from my line of work. There's a lot more other than the safety stuff. Right.

Like you, there's many ways to make a child feel safe. I think one of those ways is sort of creating a space where they can relax and feel comfortable. A space that they can customize themselves.

Maybe that means putting up their artwork or putting up pictures of their bio family. Creating a space where they feel like they're part of the family. Those are some examples.

I love that. Yeah, that's great. And obviously, I guess it would depend on their interests as well. Like my daughter, she loves art. So we set her up with like a.

A little art station in her room so she can do all her stuff and. Yeah. And there's also in her school, she goes to a Montessori school and there's a peace corner.

And she's been asking us lately because she fights with her little brother a lot. She's like, we need a peace corner. And like a peace corner is just like awesome. Yeah, like a little place. It's like in their school.

I think it's like a teepee or something. And it's got a soft rug and it's got soft lighting. And you could just go in there if you need just a moment to be by yourself. Yes, Peace corner.

So yeah, we're thinking about where we can put that and what that looks like. Yep.

And that probably doesn't take up too much space at all.

No, no, not at all.

That's so smart. I was gonna say, I love that they call it the peace corner. Right. Like everybody gets what that is, you know, whether a child or an adult.

I know. It makes me feel better like just saying it. I'm like, oh, right, a peace corner. I need a peace corner. Where's my peace corner?

Yes.

And then what about for the, like, what are some of the things that parents need to feel safe and like they can function within a home.

Yeah.

Or I shouldn't just say parents. I should say caregivers. Excuse me.

Right. And even other. Even the other family members within the home. I think it's important to create spaces that are relaxing.

Maybe it's a meditation corner or a meditation room or some sort of space for a workout of some sort, either yoga or singing bowl. So I think everyone in the home needs to have access to a space in that manner.

I like that. You know, I was watching.

I was watching something, or I can't remember where I saw it, but it sparked my mind about having a place when the child comes in from their day, just having someplace where, like, they put their backpack and the lunchbox comes out and it goes into the sink. Just some sort of. I don't know what you even call that. It's like some sort of a.

Like a routine almost.

Yes. Like a routine with, like, a physical. With physical places for things. Like, they suggested putting a. Like, on the wall.

You could put a slot for their papers so that when they, you know, they get their papers out of their backpack, they can stick them in there. Like anything that needs to go back to school. Do you ever do organizational things like that?

Absolutely. Or even, like, cubbies, because they have that sort of system at school. When they go into their classroom, everybody has their cubby.

I think that that's an easy system to implement into your home.

And they have, you know, different systems that are attractive, and I think that that provides some stability and some structure for both the adults and the kids. You know, they know that this is my cubby. This is where I put my things, and this is where I retrieve my things.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We just started sort of doing that. We found the most. The greatest thing. It's a little thing. We got it on Amazon.

It looks like a piece of furniture, but when you open it, you can stick. It doesn't have big enough spaces for adult shoes, but little kids shoes fit in there perfect. And then you just close it up.

And then they always know where their shoes are. And their shoes aren't all over the floor because they take off their shoes as soon as they come in, and it's, like, super cute.

Yeah.

You know what?

I have a little shoe tower in my apartment, and both my godson and my nephew, there's always a couple slots that are open. And they love having a slot for themselves where they could put their shoes.

You know, that speaks to something, too, is like. And that's why I love the cubby idea, too. Is like, I'm finding both of my children, like, they really want, like their own thing.

They want just their own space. They want their own stuff in their own space. So. And they have very different needs. Like, my one child is eight and my other is three.

So like the three year old leaves all the tops off the markers and everything is broken. And like, it's a total nightmare, you know, and he can't use like the. And the scissors and whatever.

I'm gonna build them their own little art boxes with their names on it. And it's like, this is Izzy's art box. This is Dominic. So that's just making me think of that. Yeah.

And I think, like, you're actually going out of your way to create this thing especially for them and nobody else.

Yes. Yeah, I think that's true. Another thing that I try to do, like mommy daughter dates and Dommy daughter dates my son is Dominic.

So like just a special time when it' am one of them. We do stuff together too, of course, but like just that special.

Like we're gonna go here and it's something that they're interested in and it's just the two of us. And my husband does it too. And it's. It's really nice. Cause they need that. They need that one on one. Sometimes they do.

And then. Cause you have two children, they.

They sort of know, like, both mom and dad love them equally because we both do the same things with both mom and dad.

Right.

On our own time.

Right. Although my daughter would have something to say about that. She's always like, you love Dan Moore. And I think because he's littler.

And so we are still picking him up all the time. And, you know, it's hard. It's hard. There's a big gap there of five years. And those five years are, you know, big ones at that age.

Right.

So would you consider doing foster care again?

I would.

Okay. Like even just outside of the family system, like.

Yep.

Yeah.

I mean, of course it's a conversation to be had with my partner, but it's definitely something that I would do again.

I think there are a lot of children that need safe spaces, and I know that's something that I can provide along with, you know, love and care and support. And so I would. I'd definitely be open to doing that again.

Right, right. That's great. I love that. What advice would you give to other people who might be interested in this?

I would say remember your. Why you're doing this for a special child. And remember that Even when it gets hard, you're doing this for them.

And at the end of the day, they are going to be very grateful that you decided to take them in and provide a loving home for them.

I would also advise that you fortify your community, fortify your circle, and have some people that you can really depend on and count on because you're going to need their support and their help. Sometimes it feels like a lonely road, but there are others out there just like you.

So if you don't have a community in place, not to worry that you can develop that and sort of create your own through listening to podcasts and finding online communities. They exist. Do not give up.

Absolutely.

I've actually found so much help in my online communities, and I think that's a great suggestion because not everyone has a physical community anymore as much.

And I also think there's something about the knowing how to ask for help piece, because I'm curious if you could even get more specific about what you asked for help with. Because I'm somebody that, like, I always did everything myself and I like. It's very difficult for me to ask for help.

It's easy for me to give help always, like in there, you know, but like to ask for is like, I don't even know what to ask for. Like sometimes, you know, and it sounds ridiculous, but it's like I. What, like, you know, right.

Is it like drop off, pick up that kind of situation or food or what is it?

It's everything. Even the smaller things such as drop off, pickup, you can ask for assistance in that.

Maybe that's a close friend who does that once a week, and that could be one morning, that's still a big help. And I find that being able to talk about what's bothering you will automatically whoever that you're talking to, depending on that person.

You never know who they know or what resources they could extend. So not being afraid to be vulnerable, you know, you're not sharing too much, you're not complaining.

Right.

And so the more vulnerable you are, the more you share, the more opportunities the world presents itself to help you.

So true. It's really true. It's like Brene Brown, are you familiar with her work and vulnerability? Yeah, 100%. Yeah. I love that.

What surprised you about this whole journey?

I think what surprised me lots of things. Right. I think how difficult it is. I think I thought because I was a family member that it.

It wouldn't be as hard as it was or as much of a rollercoaster as it was. Another thing that surprised me is the strength of my godson.

He was just 10 at the moment, and I still think he's the strongest, most resilient kid in the world. He's gone through. I told myself, you know what? You should have a pack of tissues ready.

Yeah.

Just his resiliency and his zest for life is still intact, regardless of all the things that he's been through. And that inspires me to keep going.

Yes, I know. I call my children my warrior children because they've just been through so much. They're like the strongest people I know.

You know, they're really incredible, incredible people. And what a gift for your godson that he has you and that he has that extended family. I mean, it really is. It makes all the difference in the world.

Yeah. He's a very special kid, and he deserves the world, and I will never stop fighting for him to have that.

I love that. So was there anything that felt meant to be about this whole journey?

Cause I always find that that is somehow always in every story, there's like a meant to be aspect. Did you experience that?

Yes. I think in hindsight, God ordained me to sort of step into this role and be this person for my godson.

When his mother asked me to be his godmother 13 years ago, he knew that I'd have to step up in this way, and that's why he deemed me. Deemed me, like, worthy enough to be my godson's godmother, because I'd have to, you know, step in and be mom for a little while. So I think that was.

That's pretty, like, amazing.

I love that. And yeah, like, you really did. You're really fulfilling or fulfilled fulfilling.

Still, you're co parenting that role, and that is actually a big role. Like, sometimes that's. It's kind of like, oh, yeah, he's the God, you know, or.

But it's not like an active thing, but you really have an active role there. That's beautiful.

I think a lot of.

I mean, myself prior to stepping into this role, like, I just thought being a godmother was like this cool thing and fun thing, but really to be a godmother is. Or godparent is to step into the child. Step into the child's life in a major way.

If parents are not able to do so at any given time, that's a big part of it. It is not sort of discussed or communicated.

Right. That's right. And did he have a godfather as well?

He does.

Okay. And was the godfather involved?

Godfather Lives in Boston, and so we haven't seen him for a while, so.

And how wonderful actually for the child now that he has this positive role model with his dad, though, like that his dad stepped up and was able to do that really special.

And I think my godson's really lucky to have that relationship with his dad. And their relationship is great. He's doing a really good job and I'm happy that he has me to lean on and vice versa.

Are there any siblings involved? Like, does the dad have any other children or anything like that?

Dad has older siblings, so my godson is actually an uncle.

Oh, really?

We joke about it often. He has a niece that's like two. And so, you know, just having to be an uncle now is fun for him. And so dad has older kids.

Moving back to your career, is there a way, like, how can you integrate these two worlds now? Like what? Do you have any ideas about that? Like, how you could act, actually? Because obviously you're running a business and you need to get paid.

And I think a lot of the people who have these needs may not have the funding for that kind of thing.

A big part of my core values is giving back and paying it forward. And so I would happily volunteer my time to sort of help foster families, whether it's a couple hours or a consultation.

In the past, I've worked with an organization called City Living, which is a New York based nonprofit that helps foster children that have aged out of the system and sort of help them set them up for success, whether it's, you know, helping them find an apartment or buying them shower curtains or receiving donations from different companies. And so part of what I want to do is more volunteer hours.

Yeah, I think a partnership could be great. They're building a lot of homes actually now they're building a big community in California.

And there's the Tulsa girls home that I was just speaking to another guest and she's very involved in that. And they're building these really adorable, tiny homes for these youth that are aging out.

And I don't know, maybe I could connect you guys in some way or something. Absolutely, yeah. It's just really good.

And my heart goes out to those children that age out of the system and maybe never have had the benefit of any kind of family or consistency in their life.

I think of when I was 18, like, we're babies still. And having to suddenly be an adult at that age and not have any support is probably very, very difficult.

Yeah, especially now with the economy and how difficult it is out there and how expensive everything is. Food is expensive. Like, everything is expensive. Yeah.

Right. That's why these organizations are, like, super important.

Yep. Absolutely. How is it to talk about this stuff? That's a question.

It feels good.

I think had we would have spoke about it maybe a month after reunification with dad, I'd be like, a mess because I did have to grieve not having my foster son as a foster son.

Yes.

You know, getting out of the routine that we perfected for so long.

Right.

But I feel good just having seen how much he's grown and seeing how well he settled into his new life and that I'm still a part of his new life. Like, I feel really good.

What was that like, when. That first night or whatever? Like, okay, like, now you're. He's just gonna go with dad. What. What was that like?

It was. It was hard. It felt like I was losing a kid. It was really difficult. Just simple things as. Like, not when I'd go shop for myself.

I'd shop for him as well. Like, I'd stop in the boy section and pick up something for him and just simple things like that. It was.

But I found comfort in knowing, like, he's a short 10 minute drive away.

Yeah.

That he's with dad. And Dad's giving him things that I would never have been able to give him. You know, I'm a woman. He's a young boy, needs his father in his life.

So I took a lot of comfort in that.

Right.

But it was a difficult process.

Right. Yeah. No, I can imagine. Because they really, like, worm their way into your hearts, don't they? Like, just into the fiber and the fabric of your being.

Like, you.

You just. Every little morsel.

Yeah. Yep. You can't get away from it. And no matter where you are, I'm always like, we're at whatever store I'm in or any. Oh, Izzy would love this.

Or, you know, oh, I gotta get these for. Yep. I know. Yeah, I know.

Yeah. And. And so what that looks like these days is okay. He would love that. Let me put this somewhere in my mind for when I'm with him next.

We'll still be able to do that thing together.

Yeah.

It just takes a lot more planning and coordination.

Right, right. And now he probably has, like, activities at like. What is he, like, 12 or something now? And he's got, like.

He's 13, whatever it is, soccer or this and that. And it becomes like all of the stuff that they have that they do, which is great. But it's yeah. Cuts down on the time that you can spend with them.

Right. And. And they're sort. Because they're older, they're not wanting to do all the things that they did with you when they were little.

And so that's part of it, too. Just they're, like, growing before your eyes.

It's crazy. It really is crazy, isn't it? Did it make you slow down? I know.

Did it make you look at your own trajectory and, like, just how you grew up by watching this other little person, like, grow up in front of your eyes?

You know, I never thought about that until now. Yeah, I mean, I've. I think I'm. It. It forced me to grow up in a different kind of way because I was having to take care of him full time. And so.

Yeah, in. In the best way possible, though.

Yep, yep, yep. How. Do you mind asking me how old you were when. So how old were you when this occurred? Like, when you first took this on?

So I'm 35, and it was three years ago, so 32.

Yeah. And so did a lot of your friends. Probably not a lot of your friends had children yet.

Your social circle, all of a sudden, things are very different for you, right?

Yes, yes. And very different. I mean, which is why sometimes I felt a little lonely. I do have a friend who's a mom who was a mom of one at the time.

And so we spoke. I leaned to her for a lot of advice, but it felt lonely. I just felt like I was navigating this specific world on my own.

In that sense, that's how I felt. That's one of the reasons why I started this podcast. A big reason is because I felt just so. You know, first of all, we had.

Most of all, our friends were artists, and a lot of them didn't have children, and so they just didn't have kids. And then. Or if they did, they were already, like, a little bit older. So we were so largely alone at first.

Then some of our friends started having kids, and it became more fun. It's just easier and more fun when you're together with people who also have kids.

Not that you don't love your friends that don't have kids, but it's just such a different world, you know?

And even if your friends have children that are either much younger or much older, that's also very different.

It's very different. It is 100%. Especially when you're in, like, the baby stage or, like, the little, little stages, because, you know, I can't have a conversation still.

It's hard. I'm getting to be able to have a conversation with my 3 year old around, but, you know, it's hard. You're just like all over the place.

And you know, if you're with somebody who like doesn't have any kids at all and has never been there, they're kind of like, they don't understand that. Yeah. And they're like, maybe we should reschedule. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's so funny the things that my husband and I often talk about how we used to see like, you know, kids having temper tantrums and when we were like, as they say, dinks, like double income, no kids, and we would be out somewhere and like some kid would be having a temper tantrum and like, you know, my husband be like, God, they should be able to control that kid. And like all this stuff. And it's like, oh my God, now we're just like, like, don't worry about it.

The tables have turned.

Yeah. Oh, I'll go up to the parents and just be like, we've got you. Like, what do you need? Are you good? Like, it's such a. Yeah, it's.

Nobody really understands how difficult it is and challenging on a daily basis, moment to moment. It's also amazing. But it is just really challenging to be responsible for somebody else all the time other than yourself.

Right. And your life sort of revolves around them. If.

If the school nurse calls and they need you to pick up your kid right away, you have to stop whatever you need to.

That's right.

Yeah. So you have to be very flexible.

Very flexible. And. And that I always appreciate the people on the other end of whatever it was.

I can always tell if they like have kids or not because they're like, typically if they have kids, they're like, I get it.

More understanding, worry about it.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's true.

Yeah, that's true.

This is great to have this conversation with you.

I'm so glad.

In closing, I'm just curious, has your overall opinion of fostering, foster care and adoption changed and how has it changed since having this experience?

Definitely changed. One, because prior to being a foster mom, I knew nothing about foster care or adoption.

And so just realizing how much how many children need a safe home and how important it is to provide a safe home. It's something that is undervalued adoption and foster care.

Agreed. You know? Absolutely.

And everybody's family dynamic is different. It doesn't have to be bio mom and bio dad raising a child.

Right. That's right. You're such a great example of that. That you're co parenting as godmom with bio dad.

Yeah, yeah. It's different, but it works. Yeah, it works. And he's very pleased. I think he sort of knows, like, oh, let me. I don't think my dad's gonna like that.

Like, can you talk to my dad about it? Or vice versa.

Yes, yes. You know, something that my. One of my very good friends, she experienced.

She co-parented her sister's child up until he became sort of like a teenager or whatever. And then she felt such a loss.

And I'm not saying this is gonna happen, but when he became interested in his own stuff and he's a teenager and everything and they suddenly didn't have. I mean, they still will always have that special connection, but she wasn't involved in his life as much anymore.

That was super difficult for her to get over.

I can definitely relate to that, you know, not being the first one that the school calls or not setting up appointments or, you know, just all of these things that you. She did for so long. That I did for so long.

Yeah.

It's. Takes time to heal.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, you seem like you're doing a great job of. It seems like you're super centered and.

Thank you.

Yeah. I'm so grateful to you for coming on today and sharing your experiences.

Thank you for providing a platform in which I can do so. This was great. I feel good. I'm happy to have met you and to have conversations with you and to now have you as a member of my personal community.

Absolutely grateful. Yeah, I feel the same. Let's keep in touch. For sure. This has been the Foster to Forever podcast.

Happy stories of non traditional families born through Foster to adopt. Produced by Aquarius Rising, edited by Jason Sarubbi at Split Rock Studios. Original music composed by Joe Fulginetti.

For more information or to stay in touch, visit from foster2forever.com that's from foster the number2forever.com and stay connected with us on Instagram at Foster2forever podcast. That's Foster the number two forever podcast. We'll see you next time. It.