Two dads adopt an older child through foster care

Ted, Daniel & Carlos - foster to adopting an older child

===

Carlos: [00:00:00] If things keep going the way they are, they're going to be like an excess 100, 000 kids in the next five years. Really? And then who's going to take care of them?

Ted: I think the bottom line, I mean, if you have room in your heart and a loving home, I mean, providing a home for a child who doesn't have one. I mean, I don't think there's a better thing you could possibly do.

Rachel: It's the Foster to Forever podcast. Happy stories of non traditional families born through foster to adopt. I'm your host.

So, my guests today are the amazing Ted Simonin and Daniel Serrano Simonin. Ted is an old friend of mine. We studied in London together, um, a million years ago, [00:01:00] and, uh, it turns out we have both fostered two adopted children. The star of our show today is really Daniel Serrano Simonin. Um, who we have with us right now, who is the actual adoptee who we would love to talk with now.

Um, Daniel. Hi. How are you? Hello, Ms. Rachel. Um, can you tell everybody how old you are to start out? I'm 12

Daniel: going on to

Rachel: 13. All right. Awesome. And how long have you guys been a forever family?

Daniel: We've been forever family for like eight, eight years now. No, not eight years, like five, five, five, five years.

Rachel: Okay.

All right. Very cool. Can you remember, um, in as much or as little detail as you want, uh, what was your life like before you guys came together, before you met your parents? No,

Daniel: you know, it was really hectic because I always misbehaved and I didn't know how to act around adults and I didn't really get to do anything.

So I didn't [00:02:00] go anywhere and all that.

Rachel: So yeah. Had you been with other families before or not? Multiple. Yes. Multiple. Multiple families. Yeah. So I can imagine that would be after a while. Like how many do you remember? Or I would say like seven or eight. Since you were like a baby. Mm hmm. Since I was like a really, yeah, two.

Wow. And did you ever, did you stay in touch with any of those people or were they not? Um,

Daniel: no, not, not, not, not really. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Rachel: So, um, tell me what, how did you guys, how did you meet your dads?

Daniel: So we were on something called a sibling visit. And we went to a fair and, um, we, um, met them, me and my siblings met them, Ted and Carlos, and they were like basically two older brothers to me, um, cause they were [00:03:00] volunteering.

Rachel: Yeah. And so had, had you, um, Ted, can you jump in and, and say, so were you guys going there because you knew that you wanted to adopt or what?

Ted: Yeah, actually. So Carlos and I, my husband, Carlos, uh, we started volunteering, um, and we actually met. Daniel's advocate. His name's Mike Rosos. Um, kind of like his social worker.

And we first were introduced to him as his volunteers. So we were kind of brought to these events that they would have for foster care kids. And we would just kind of go help out and just act like we're there to have fun. But we were in the back of our minds thinking of adopting but we weren't really sure.

So we were just kind of checking it out to see how it would go. Right. Um, and he you. In his mind matched us up with Daniel and we were introduced. It was actually a, a few days before my birthday, I [00:04:00] had to jump on a flight. And so we just spent a couple hours at a park. Um, but we just immediately hit it off and.

You know, I had never really been around kids that much, and I remember Daniel looked at me, and he wanted me to go into this big bouncy house. Remember that? Oh yeah. And he's like, come on, follow me. And I looked at Carlos, I'm like, I'm not gonna do this. And we went in there, and I flipped over this one hurdle, and I literally almost killed him.

Do you remember?

Rachel: Oh my

Carlos: god.

Ted: Literally almost killed him and we both, we both just started hysterically laughing and we just, it's been great ever since.

Rachel: Oh, that's awesome. That's so cool. And, and how did you feel, Daniel? Did you know right away like, Ooh, this is a good match or were you just kind of like, okay, these people are cool.

Like whatever. How did you feel? Before I almost got killed,

Daniel: it felt, um, I had a good connection with them. No, I didn't get hurt. Yeah, almost. [00:05:00] Um, I felt really good. I had a good bonding connection with them.

Rachel: Good, good, good. And so then like at the end, so you guys spend the day together, and then after that you were like, let's meet up again.

Is that how it works?

Ted: Yes. Yeah, we pretty much started meeting up like every weekend after that.

Okay, okay. And you had mentioned it was a sibling fair, so you had other siblings there. Okay. And so how many siblings do you have? And did they end up getting adopted to different families or what happened? I have five siblings,

and they all got adopted.

Um, I have a little, little brother, um, named Rafi got adopted to this wonderful home. Um, I have Kalijah and Eddie, my two older siblings, and they got, they both got adopted together to a nice family. And Um, my twin sister, I haven't heard from [00:06:00] her in like eight years. But I know she is adopted because I saw a picture of her.

Okay. She transferred into Allison. Yeah.

Rachel: Okay. Yeah. Okay. How does it feel, like, do you stay in touch with any of them? Besides, obviously, your, your twin sister. Um, are they in the area that you guys live? Like can you visit them or what happens with them? Um,

Daniel: we, so, um, my brother lives in Fort Lauderdale and he's a three hour drive from us.

But it's kind of embarrassing. But I play Fortnite with him, if you know

Rachel: that game, Fortnite. You know what, like I know, I know it, but I don't know it and it doesn't seem embarrassing to me at all. Like I think it sounds good. I don't know. It sounds like a connection to me. Yeah, it's fun. Yeah. Cool. Yeah.

Daniel: Yeah. I play with my brother and we, we FaceTime a lot. Um, I FaceTime oh's great. FaceTime him actually a few minutes ago. That's

Rachel: nice.

Ted: So while they're, they're playing on the game just like this, they're constantly communicating all the time. Right. So it's good they still stay close.

Rachel: Yeah. No, I think that's really great.

I think that's awesome. Um. Yeah, because I can [00:07:00] imagine that would be weird, like, thank God it's great that they all got adopted because I imagine that it would be hard if it was like some of them didn't and you did. That would have been like been hard, right? Yeah. Yeah.

Ted: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But they all found forever

Rachel: families.

That is so cool. At that one adoption event, or just various different places? Various different places.

Daniel: Okay. Okay. Easter hunting and all that. Yeah.

Ted: Yeah. I mean, their social worker, or advocate, they call it, his name is Mike, they call him Uncle Mike. He was really, just did a great job to make sure everybody was matched up.

Rachel: I love that. Yeah. And so, okay, so you guys are meeting on the weekends. It's going really good. And then, so how do they, like, do you say, okay, we're ready to take this to the next step. And what do you do? Like a sleepover or something? Or like, how does it work? What's the next step? Um,

Daniel: me and my brother of doing sleepovers, um, His name is Eddie, and for all the [00:08:00] time when we're doing sleepovers, I have Fortnite PS4.

I go to bed first, I wake up at 1am and I hear him screaming because he's playing Fortnite. I'm like, bro, go to bed. I'm like, bro, go to bed. What are you doing?

Ted: Well, what about when you first started staying with us? Tell her about that experience.

Daniel: It felt amazing. It's just, I didn't, I didn't really behave a lot.

I was always misbehaving and I was very difficult to handle. On all that medication.

Rachel: Mhm. Mhm. How did you guys handle that? Like, were there? Well, I can, I can only imagine that it would be, you know, at first you're at a place that you haven't been at before and there would be stuff like, were there challenges in the beginning?

I'm sure there were. And, and like, what were those challenges? And how did you surmount them?

Ted: You want me or Daniel to talk? Either, either, either or. Um, well, I mean, we had to have a formal home study done, right? So we had this [00:09:00] second bedroom that we basically put together for him with bunk beds because we weren't sure if it was just going to be one child or two, you know, didn't want to separate anybody.

Right. Um, but then we met Daniel and. Eventually, we were allowed, when we decided that we, we thought we wanted to adopt him, um, they gave us permission to have a sleepover. Do you remember when he slept over? Yes. And he was on medication, um, which would kind of, tire him out a little bit, like take away his energy just so he's kind of like easier to control, I want to say.

Yeah. But I do remember every night like around seven, eight o'clock the medication would wear off. And what would happen?

Daniel: The zoomies, like a dog.

Ted: What do you mean by the zoomies? That would run around. He was just,

Daniel: I was, I would watch WWE then.

Ted: So that was, that was during his WWE [00:10:00] phase. So he was like taking stuff and like throwing it everywhere.

Right. Um, but I have to admit as horrible as this may sound, um, we could see that behind the medication and deep down there was this really good kid. So when the pandemic hit and he was living with us. We both decided we were going to be home for a long period of time. Let's, we worked with the doctors to get him off the medication to see if he could function and how it would work.

And since we'd be home, it was the perfect time to do it. And he's been off it ever since and it's been great. Oh my

Rachel: God. That's so awesome. Yeah. I love

Ted: that. It's unfortunate that it takes a pandemic to, but I mean, it gave us the opportunity to do that. Yeah. To get closer. Yeah. And we got, I mean, we were together for a year and then the pandemic hit and we were just.

We were spent every day together for what, a year and a half? Right.

Rachel: Remember? Yes, sir. Yeah, it's funny. I felt that way too. Joe, um, and my husband and Isabella [00:11:00] and I, we had that experience as well of just really, really bonding as a family in a way that we maybe hadn't so much before because he was working.

My husband was working like two and a half hours one way, two and a half hours back and he was never around. So like we adopted her when she was a month old, but like three and a half weeks old, but we didn't spend time all of us together as much until the pandemic. So that was a huge bright side for us was just being able to spend all that time together.

All three of us. And, and do that. So I, I totally, um, resonate with that for sure. Let's back up one second. So then you spent the, the overnight, and then that overnight turned into more overnights, and, and along the way you were getting certified, because you, Ted, and Carlos weren't actually certified yet.

Ted: Well, here's what we actually normally it takes 12 weeks to get certified, right? And we took, uh, [00:12:00] like a condensed summer class where they had two classes a week instead of one a week. So we were actually certified within six weeks. And then we did get a private home study done. So we were able to adopt fairly quickly.

I mean, they told us it would take three years. But for us from start to finish, we pretty much had it done within a year, but we never fostered. We only wanted to adopt. And the thing. Um, if you're willing to adopt an older child, I say between the ages of seven or 10 or older, like teenagers, it's just a much quicker process because there's just less of a demand.

Rachel: Yeah.

Ted: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So that's, that's how we were able to get this all done within a year. But I mean, we're just lucky that it clicked really well with Daniel right off the bat. I mean. Yeah. We're just really

Carlos: lucky.

Rachel: What were some of the, the fun things that [00:13:00] you did right away? Cause he was what, seven when, when he came to live with you?

He was

Ted: actually when he was eight and then he turned nine fairly quickly. But what were some of the fun, but you know what's, you know, what kills me is that when we used to pick them up to as volunteers. We used to do what we call family fun day. That's what we used to call it. Okay. So tell her like some of the things we used to do.

Like, for example, do you

Carlos: remember?

Daniel: Um, we went Easter hunting, like in a big field. We would play tag. We would, we would go to trampoline parks, actually. Water parks.

Ted: Yeah. Putt Putt, mini golf.

Daniel: Yep. Mini golf. Yeah. Disney World.

Ted: Yeah, we went to Disney. We went to Disney World. After the adoption.

Carlos: Yeah.

Ted: But we used to do that every weekend.

And now that we're officially a family, we still actually try to keep up the tradition. Yeah. I wouldn't say we Well, just, we used to do it every weekend, but I mean, it's not easy on your wallet. [00:14:00]

Rachel: Oh my God. They must have a, like a, some kind of a pass though for residents, right? Cause that would be really expensive.

Ted: But now we do it like even we'll just take a drive up to the beach and take a long walk along the beach and things like that. And we always call it, we always call it like family fun day. And then I remember like we went bowling. I remember when we went bowling, what did we get in the, uh,

Daniel: we got, we got, um, this big stuffed animal.

Dog that we named Rocky and he stayed with us for years and I love the animal

Ted: But it was a stuffed animal Right But it was like one of the first things we ever did together and we we did one of those claw

Daniel: the Guy said no one has caught that

Ted: in years. He's like knowing it this huge dog comes out of the

Carlos: claw.

Rachel: No way never work. Like I'm always telling Izzy, they don't work. Like they're a waste of money.

Ted: I know, but this huge stuffed dog came out of this machine. We're like, that's it. That's a sign.

Rachel: Oh my God. That's so awesome. Because that was one of the questions I [00:15:00] wanted to ask you is I feel like every time I hear one of the forever family stories, there's always these meant to be aspects to it or at least something like that.

So that seems like, yeah, that's a really special sign. Can you guys think of anything else that Was it field special or meant to be or anything like that?

Ted: Um, what's your middle name? Um, McDoodle. All right. So after Daniel was adopted, I never looked at his birth certificate and we were having dinner and we had the.

All the paperwork that were given to us from the social worker and everyone else. And I looked at his birth certificate. We have the same middle name. And it's my father's first name. So we both share Arthur.

Carlos: Wow.

Rachel: Oh, that's so cool. I love it. Do you guys have a community of other adoptive families or anything like that?

I don't, but I would love that for my children because it's, it's a little bit different. I mean, it's not different at all because we're [00:16:00] just a family, but also like, you know, for our family, we're like a transracial family. So that's a different aspect as well. And I'm just wondering if there's any sort of like.

community like that?

Ted: Well, Carlos and I, before we started adopting, we used to be part of this group where they would meet every week and they still send us emails and we will go from time to time because everyone's so great. Yeah. But as far as other people that have been adopted, you know, once you adopt a child, we realize that a lot of people in our lives have been adopted.

You know, so. But, you know, we just, we don't talk about it a lot in terms of the adoption. Um, but Carlos is, I mean, I grew up in a white middle class family. Carlos is 100 percent Puerto Rican. So, I would say that our viewpoints on how to raise a child are a little bit different. What do you think?

Rachel: Interesting.

Daniel: Carlos is more stricter and more louder. He's more calm and [00:17:00]

Ted: Yeah. To set the record straight though, Carlos is dad and I am daddy. Right?

Carlos: Can

Rachel: we say that? Yes. Is that what you guys call, yeah, dad and dad? And how did you guys decide that? Like, did you, was that just a natural?

Daniel: Yeah. Natural. I think you kind of decided that, right?

Yeah. But sometimes But sometimes I'll say, we'll call him dad, but they'll understand what I'm talking about by my tone.

Rachel: Uh huh. Uh huh. Uh huh. Being in Florida, and you don't have to answer this question if you don't want to, but I got to ask because you're in Florida in this culture and climate of hate in a lot of ways.

Does that affect you guys as a family or how is that for you? And Daniel, do you experience anything? I

Daniel: mean, I'm at school, a lot of people, people make fun of me for having two dads, but I don't care, bro. What do they say? They just say, like, why do you have two dads, and you're weird for having two dads.

I'm like, I don't care. Yeah.

Ted: Good. I mean, we, we [00:18:00] kind of, we're big on, you know, well, that's their problem, not ours. Right. Yep. Yep. And that's it. I mean, things do happen, but again, I feel like it's just an older generation and it's just completely changing. Because Yeah, so I mean, people like that are always going to exist.

We just don't want to bother us or hold us back from anything, right? I

Rachel: love that. Yep. And was it, was it something that you had to get used to Daniel or were you like right on board right away and you're just like, yeah, that's cool. Like, yeah, it was weird, right?

Daniel: For you. Yeah. But I didn't care.

Ted: Yeah. I do remember we're at Disney.

Remember Disney? We were on that boat. Yeah. When we were celebrating our adoption. He insisted that we hold hands while we were in public. Aww. Yeah. Like we just. We wouldn't do that. We're just not into the PDA. Uh huh. Um, but I remember Daniel was like, come on, Dad, Daddy, go ahead, you know, hold hands. So he's, I mean, he's so innocent.

He was only nine years old. Right. It's the best.

Rachel: It's the best. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's [00:19:00] so awesome. And I'm so happy for you guys. Like, I just, every time I hear a story, I'm just like, yay, that's so cool. Last question for you, Daniel, uh, unless there's other stuff you want to tell me about or talk about. Um, Yeah.

What would you say to a kid, a young person, someone who is still waiting to be adopted? And like, what would you say to them? Or do you have any, any kind of words for them? Don't take your

Daniel: adopted parents for granted. Um, they are sacrificing to bring you, um, into their home, into their warming hearts. So just give them respect and.

Adapt to your new home. Oh, that's

Rachel: so awesome. I love it. Great piece of advice. Yeah, I can't wait to see you like watch you grow up and see all the good things that you do. I'm so so happy for you guys. Does Carlos want to jump in, or are you going to? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll get him.

Carlos: Yeah, see if you can jump in.

[00:20:00] Okay. Hi, how are you? Sorry, I was just busy coming in. No worries.

Rachel: How are you? Ted, you might have just spoken to this, but I don't know. Uh, did you guys always want to be parents? Like, did you think about being parents, or were you kind of ambivalent about it? Um, I'll take

Carlos: this. I'll be honest. I grew up in a really big family.

And, um, and when I say big, my mom's one of 13 children, I'm one of 37 first dozens. Um, and it just did not occur to me that I wouldn't have a family someday. It just wasn't, it just wasn't anything that I thought was normal when I figured out, you know, my, my orientation didn't change. So, um, but we didn't, you know, I just, Even though I thought I would always have a family, I would have to find the right person to have a family with, and then, you know, we met, we had a great relationship, and, um, still do, and, uh, you know, it just, it felt right at the time of our lives, we were homeowners, we're [00:21:00] doing well in our careers, and, um, all our friends have kids, and, and, you know, it was just nice to see him go into the games, and this, that, and the other, so, um, You know, it just, it became inevitable and he was one we met and we felt an instant connection with him.

Um, went through, I'm sure you talked about all the trials and tribulations we went through with stuff. But, um, now I just, it's been, it's been a few years and I can't, I can't even remember what it was like before.

Rachel: Yeah. And that's something I really want to like drill down on because so many people are so afraid because they're like, kids have been in the system, they're going to have all these problems and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And like, my thing is, and I'm sure you guys feel this way, obviously is like, but love, just love and stability can heal so much. And you guys are really, I mean, your family is a testament to that, right? Like, I mean, did you have those fears going into it or?

Carlos: Yeah, we did. We definitely did. I mean, at the end of the day, right?

You sit there, you say, [00:22:00] um, these kids do come with problems, right? They just do. They don't have the same upbringing. That's right. But um, I also have Friends, families, cousins, whose kids have issues and they raise them from the day they were, you know, born. So, um, The thing is, when you, you, we took the classes.

I don't know if Ted spoke to you about this. They try to scare you and tell you all these horrible things that could happen. And then it was just going to happen and I was just like, no. And, but then, um, there are other people who, you know, watch the Cosby show or this and the other. They see these nice glossy pictures and they think that's what's going to, um, and I knew that there was an in between kids or kids, right?

They just are. And what too many people go on with this fantasy of all these great pictures and these outings and it just, it's just, it's part of it that does happen. Right. But you know, there's a lot to get through no matter what. And then as he gets older, now you've got, you know. You've got hormones and you've got society and you've got telephones and you've got internet and, and, you know, you're just [00:23:00] juggling it all around.

And, um, so I mean,

Ted: it's, it's different, like we, we talked about, I mean, the elementary years is definitely more innocent now we're moving into middle school years where he's worried about his hair and having a girlfriend and all that stuff, but it's equally enjoyable. You know, different, but I do believe that you want to tell people that, you know, choosing a child is like just, you know, choosing someone you're going to share your life with.

I mean, don't just see the things you want to see. I mean, if you do see red flags, you know, don't do it because it will be a big sacrifice. But if you know, you spend enough time with the child and you feel like it's a right fit, then just do it and don't look back and it'll be the best decision you ever made.

Carlos: Right. And I feel like there's a lot of resources. We did a lot of research, you know, there's this thing called, uh, you know, there's lots of, of things online, lots of friends, lots of support. So, you know, there were times where I just didn't think I could deal with something and I would really research and, and, you know, [00:24:00] Google and do all these things.

And they were given us different methods on how to, how to deal with a situation, you know, you know, anger or whatever. And they worked. Sometimes some of them worked, some of them didn't, and it was trial and error and it didn't work. It's just patient. Yeah. It's getting through it. It's a lot of patience.

Ted: Yes. Yes. I mean, you know, as a parent, I mean, sometimes. Yeah. But you know what's funny? It's like getting mad doesn't even, I don't even get mad anymore because it's not even worth it. It doesn't change a thing. Right.

Rachel: You know? Right. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I still get mad. I still get mad sometimes. I'm not there yet.

But

Ted: it's different when they're older. As they're older, they get more

Rachel: independent. I can only imagine. Yeah, that's really cool. That's so cool.

Carlos: When you feel like you can give them a little bit of Space and to be on their own and you can trust them and you know, you know, you're doing what you're supposed to be doing because they're becoming now adults, you know, my mom's very [00:25:00] strict and she was like, don't let kids do this.

Don't let kids do that. But I always say kids are going to be kids for what, 15, 16, 17 years. They're going to be adults for 40, 50, 60. You know, you're trying to build a, a base to get a great adult, not just an obedient child.

Rachel: Yes, yes, yes. Um, are you still, um, like, how, how did your families receive Daniel and, you know, you know, what happens with the extended family?

Ted: Well, I mean, my extended family is Basically, my twin brother and an older sister and I mean, they, you know, love him to death. But yeah, you know, we go up there maybe twice a year. Um, but yeah, they've been super supportive.

Carlos: Yeah. That's great. Yeah. I mean, my, my mom, you know, he calls her grandma and, you know, they have a, uh, regular.

Grandson grandma relationship. Mm-Hmm. . Um, but most of our friends were our fa our, you know, chosen family. Yeah. Yeah. And they were just so excited for us through the whole process and really supportive and, you know, they just, they love following [00:26:00] the journey and so it's just nice and they're always ready for advice.

So, um, they've never, ever treated like it's, you know, like we adopted, um Mm-Hmm. , some stranger. It just become this became our son and that's it. Yes. And now, you know, they just look at it that this was always the way it was supposed to be.

Ted: The funny thing is people say that if we actually had a son he would look like him

Rachel: Isn't that weird?

Yeah, I can totally see that

Carlos: So and that was part of it again, it was just the instant connection, you know, we We, we, I don't know how much to tell you, but you know, you look at all these websites and you see pictures and I don't know if you told you the story, but, um, one of the first times when we first started this journey, I did see a picture of Daniel and then it disappeared.

It was gone and it said, you know, um, it's been placed and we were in months later, months later. And then, um, that placement did not go through. And one day I was sitting there. Uh, it fell through and, and, um, one day I was just talking to the counselor and it just happened to me. [00:27:00] And I'm telling her my frustrations and, you know, I'm really fighting for it.

And then she goes, you know what? Um, this one kid just became available. And, um, what if I introduce you? And, um, and then when I went and she sent me the video, I was like, oh my goodness, this is the first kid that we saw. And we actually looked at it and it

Rachel: was just gizmo. There's the meant to be thing again, like they're saying earlier that I feel like there's always this meant to be peace in everybody's story.

It's like, yeah, that's meant to be. Yeah,

Carlos: it's been great. It's been great. And there are days like you said, like any other kid, you just look at them and you're just like, you just don't know what you're doing. You don't, you don't know where it's going. You don't know what's up. And then there comes a little smile or your, your regular thing.

And, and, you know, and then it just all falls back into place. And you know, they become family when no matter what happens, it's easily forgiven and forgot. That's right. And there's some things I just look at. I was like, Oh man, I forgot. You know, it's in a mood at, you know, seven in the morning if [00:28:00] we're doing something.

Um, because you just forget from week to week, from day to day, just you see the positives and that kind of sticks in your mind.

Rachel: Would you guys ever do it again? Like do you, would you ever consider taking, bringing another child into your forever family? I wanted

Carlos: to. However, the dynamic that we have developed, I think it was because it was unique because we just fell into the pandemic and we were just forced to be together 24 hours a day, seven days a week for almost a year.

Um, with no friends, no family, no anything. It just became this, the three of us. And I think bringing somebody else into this dynamic might be a little

Ted: tough. But I mean, I, I think we're kind of happy with our two and a half men scenario. We're okay with that. Um, we've seen Daniel, how he interacts with his nieces and nephews and it's great.

But the thing is also he does have siblings. We talked about this. He does have brothers and sisters already. So Eddie is close with Eddie and [00:29:00] everything. And a lot of them, his twin sister, were That's a whole other story. Like, he has a twin sister, we want them to be closer. Right. But her parents that adopted her, she's in a safe home, she's great, doing well, but they aren't very supportive with the same sex marriage.

Oh, God. They

Carlos: don't really. They're very religious. They're very religious. Because they don't agree with our lifestyle, they had just said, you know, um, no contact whatsoever. Oh, that's really

Ted: sad. When we lived in Fort Lauderdale, we tried to set up play dates for them, you know, at least have them together, have her in his life, and we sent a gift on their birthday, can we please get together in a park, we'll be there, da da da, they sent us a A bible with highlights saying men should not sleep with other men.

Carlos: They didn't send it to us, that's what she gave, that's what they gave him for his birthday.

Rachel: Oh lord.

Carlos: So, that was the gift and he was so excited, oh my god my sister gave him a sentimental gift. Oh that's sad. Because we had [00:30:00] a mentor in between that, you know, had contact with them and contact with us. Uh huh.

You know, we were trying to go with the go between, but, you know, again, I'm sure there's that trauma's there. There's always going to be an issue there, but he's dealing with it. Um, well, we're, we're, we've got our resources and, you know, we just, we all go through something. Everybody does. Um, you know, none of us has the same story and we just, we figure it out.

And if one thing doesn't work, we try something else. And if that doesn't work, we try another thing.

Ted: And I mean, Daniel, I mean, I have to, God bless him. I mean, how. adult and how much stuff he has to kind of take on, but he's fully aware that she's in a loving home, that she's doing well. And he understands that one day when they're old enough, you know, social media and everything else, they can be as close as they want to be.

And he understands that.

I think the bottom line, I mean, if you have room in your heart and a loving home, I mean, providing a home for a child who doesn't have one, [00:31:00] I mean, I don't think there's a better thing you could possibly do.

Carlos: I know you have to go into it. Eyes wide open. I mean, eyes wide open, heart wide open. Uh, cause if not, it's just not going to work.

Uh, what you think is going to be, it just never is because it's tough. It's tough. All of a sudden you've got this. Stranger in your home and they've got all these emotions and they've got all these bad habits and you know, and you, you have to remember, this is not the way it was when it was just the two of us for years, you know, we both,

Rachel: it changes the dynamic, doesn't it?

It's huge.

Carlos: It's huge for us. You can get that, you know, our lives changed.

Ted: We used to think about going out for cocktails and now we're like going

Carlos: to the trampoline. I haven't had a drink in two years. I mean, it's, it's, it's the way it is, but you, you get into your new normal, but again, as long as you know what it is, again, you gotta really go in with your eyes wide open and your heart wide open.

Um, and you can make it happen. It's just [00:32:00] these, some people just think they want these cute little kids running around and play dress up, but. They're human beings and they're human beings who've gone through stuff that you wouldn't know. And you're not going to know that sometimes for six months, sometimes for a year into placement.

Um, and it comes up and, and what do you do? Like any other kid, you find them therapy, you get them psychiatrists if they need to, support, um, and they can have it anyway. So I would say if you want to have a family and you really know what it's all about, I mean, please do it, especially with, and let's not get into politics or whatever nowadays, but, um, if things keep going the way they are, they're going to be like an excess hundred thousand kids in the next five years.

Um, really? And then who's going to take care of them because the system won't be able to handle it. Yeah, I

Rachel: know we're needed. Yep. I completely agree.

Ted: But, I mean, if we could go back, we would not change a thing. Definitely. I mean, Yeah. We're going on a [00:33:00] cruise next month and I'm just so happy that the three of us are just going to have a few days in Mexico.

It's going to be awesome. And this is like, This is it. I mean, this is like till the day you die . Right. You know, I mean, yeah. But it's amazing. That's what life's all about. Right?

Carlos: Really. And did he talk to about our, our differing, um, sorry to, but our differing ways parenting skills? Like No, I would love to hear more about that.

He's, he's American style. Yeah. His American style is, is very independent children. And uhhuh, you know how when he becomes of age, you know, it's time for him to leave, whatever. Dude, until he gets married, you know, until he gets married, he's going to be living in our house and doing what he's got to do.

He'll save up, he'll buy his own. And, you know, and while he's in college, you know, I'll be washing his clothes and it's just what we do. It's the way we are.

Ted: But I'm thinking 18, he's off to school and that's it,

Carlos: we're done. Yeah, I know. Yeah, no, I mean, we even, when we purchased a car, we even thought in a few years, he's going to be 16.

So that way we can leave it with him by the time it's paid off and we'll [00:34:00] go. And you know, that's just the way I think, um, it's just the way our family has always been. Um, I see my mother talk to my mother almost every day, you know, and it's just, we can talk for an hour or two hours about absolutely nothing.

Right. And um, yeah,

Ted: it's just, I never grew up like that. I mean, Carlos is definitely a helicopter dad. I'm more like, all right, do you have your phone? Go to, you can go to. Text and tell us, have fun, text us, and he's like checking every five minutes where he's at, looking at the GPS, why he called me every 10 minutes, I mean it's like, I have my

Carlos: reasons.

Rachel: Did you guys know that going in, like had you talked about parenting before you did this, or you just kind of like learn on the job type? situation. The difference is together for a long

Carlos: time before we did it. We kind of, I'm sorry, we kind of knew each other's ways. You know, we know each other's families were really well, his family and my family are just completely different animals.

And, um, you know, so I think we, we knew, he knew, [00:35:00] he knows I'm the more intense one. He's the more laid back one. We're definitely the opposites attract kind of thing. And it works for us. So, and we do the same thing with him, you know, whenever something, discipline needs to be, sometimes I'll be like, I'll be the bad guy, you be the good guy, you know, and I'll come in and I'll lay down the rules and say whatever, and then he'll come back and he's like, Oh, you know, dad doesn't, you know, whatever.

So, um, we, while we didn't discuss beforehand, I think as we went through this, we had some real serious conversations and there was another one for some couples. We said from day one, it's you and me against the world. You know, we're here to bring this child in, but, but, and when we were just, right, when we were talking about it, I said, but it, you know, before we adopt the child will not come between us and we need to make sure that it won't mess up our dynamic with each other because, because it would never work that way.

You know, we would never be able to parent this child if we let a child wedge us. Right.

Ted: Sometimes I don't agree with what he, the way he's disciplining [00:36:00] Daniel, I guess. And then I'll say something and it's. Probably not a good thing. Like you should have those conversations when Daniel's not around. Yeah.

But sometimes you just kind of get caught up in the moment. Yes.

Rachel: You know? Of course. Yeah. A hundred percent. So

Ted: yeah, I remember Daniel was putting on his sneakers and I started, took him like 20 minutes and then when he finally got them on, you're like, why are you wearing those pants? Go change your pants.

And I'm like, you just told him to put his sneakers on. Why are you telling him to take off his pants? Right. That's a good thing. You know? Right.

Rachel: Oh yeah, totally. We do that too. Stuff it. Yeah. Yep.

Ted: But I mean, but then Daniel comes and he's like, thanks for sticking up for me, dad. He does say that. So he's afraid.

He'll tell me things that he's afraid to tell Carlos because he's afraid I'll get upset.

Carlos: Right. We left things like, we planned things like, okay, you'll have your alone time with them. I'll have my alone time with them. We'll have our family time together. You know, this started with the whole bonding and um, yeah, we just kind of did the thing, but we always.

We, we butt heads on, on how and why certain things are [00:37:00] done, but we already know if you're already in the process of disciplining or saying something or getting involved in something, we just step back the other one and then we'll discuss our opinions after. Yeah. Right.

Ted: Yeah. In the end, he just does whatever

Carlos: the hell he wants anyway, so.

Rachel: Did you, yeah, no kidding. Uh, did you, when, when things were the hardest, which I can imagine was probably after like the honeymoon period was over, right? Like after he came, and at first it was probably like a honeymoon period, or was there never, you're shaking your head, was there never a honeymoon period?

No.

Ted: It was just be well because of the medication.

Carlos: Ah, but not only it's his personality. Daniel is, Daniel is Daniel Uhhuh. Um, he was, he's always been a sweet kid with a mis mischievous side . He's that who, he's at his core. So he never, you know, um,

Ted: but I mean, at the beginning he, to do those shows in the living room Yeah.

Where he would sing. But then I think that just went with the age. Yeah. He still does that now. He still does that. Yeah. Yeah. But the, the [00:38:00] honeymoon period, I mean. I guess it was there when we were his volunteers and we were doing those.

Carlos: He used to eat everything I put in front of him. That was our volunteer.

He wasn't picky about certain things, right? That was our honeymoon period. Like, if you made rice and beans, he would eat it. If you had pizza, he would eat it. As he got more comfortable, he was like, I don't want it. I don't want to do this. But then there were things like, you know, pick up your room, clean it, do this, do that.

For goodness sakes, if you go to the bathroom, flush it. Um, those things still to this day are like, nope. Um, so, but then I talked to the parents and, and, you know, talking to another, uh, gymnastics mom. She was like, Oh my God, there was something crawling around in my son's room because he had a fleet in there for like a month.

And

Rachel: I'm

Carlos: just like, okay, so we're not the only ones.

Rachel: Yeah. Kids are kids are kids. Yeah.

Ted: But Daniel was in the foster care since he was two. And by the time we got him, he was like almost nine.

Carlos: Eighth placement. We were the eighth placement. And he, he just failed adoptions.

Ted: [00:39:00] He just never understood the idea of like family and respecting your things.

Because I don't feel like he ever felt like it really belonged to him. Because it always belonged to the state. If

Rachel: that makes sense. Yeah, that does make sense.

Ted: One of the first things we ever did, I picked him, we went to a, a hobby store. I bought him a rocket to shoot off in the backyard because that's something I used to do with my dad.

And he, we got into the car and he opened it up. He couldn't wait to open it up. He took the box as we were driving home and like threw it out the window on the highway. The

first thing I,

Rachel: I was like, Oh man. What are you doing? you doing? Why would you do that? Yeah.

Ted: He did not know any better, had no idea that he couldn't do that.

Right. It's like, he just had no technique, he really had no one to guide him. Right. Just for the simplest things. Yeah. He had to come up with everything on his own and, you know, to him it's like, well, why not? Like, you just can't litter like that, are you crazy?

Rachel: Right, you can't just like throw things out the window, yeah.

Ted: So you have to constantly [00:40:00] just reinforce these things and guide them through it. Right. You're constantly doing that.

Carlos: Right. I mean, again, it just

Ted: Like, I think it's easier when they're like little kids because you can start doing that from the beginning. Right. Yeah. As they get older, at that age, it's just a little bit more harder to make it sink in.

Carlos: Right. And certain things are always going to be there. They're always going to be there. There's just, there's nothing, you know, we've got to accept that there are certain things that we'll just never get rid of, you know, it just, it just won't happen. Like what? But it's okay. Yeah, like what? Like, like, um, or yeah, like, like losing his temper really, really quickly.

Um, the frustration, especially when it's something that he doesn't want to do. So I don't know how much to tell you, but when, when we got him, he was diagnosed with everything under the sun, defiant disorder, this, that, and everything he was taking like 11 different pills. You know, stuff that I was taking for my blood pressure and he was taking to bring him down.

So, you know, we worked with the psychiatrist and the therapist and [00:41:00] we finally weaned him all off it, but we had to find natural ways to get him through it. So, you know, we got the trampoline and we put him in gymnastics and this, that, and the other, and we kind of keep to work his energy out. But there's certain things that, you know, when he's just frustrated, um, you still push.

to try to get them to do the homework. You still push to try to get them to, you know, clean the room. Cause you got to learn how to do these things on your own. Now I know at a certain point, it's just, just, there's just no point in even trying anymore, you know, he's just done. It's like doing pushups. You get to a point where you just cannot do one more, no matter how much the mind is willing, you cannot do it.

And he gets to that point with, with like math and homework, certain things. And then you just learn, it's just, all right. So now we learned to do it in small bites. Everything in small bites, you know, when we're leaving, you know, it's time to leave. You start telling them 45 minutes ahead of time, then 30 15 minutes ahead of time.

But that's You learn these things. Normal kid behavior. But, but he just will, but he still to this day will not just [00:42:00] start getting ready for

Rachel: 30 minutes. No, but neither will Isabella, like neither will my daughter, like she just doesn't. But like also it's interesting because even though we adopted her when she was, or not adopted but brought her home, fostered her when she was three and a half weeks old, she still has trauma, right?

Like there's still trauma there. There's the trauma of the 9 months in utero that were very traumatic. There's a traumatic birth situation. There's a traumatic, um, You know, leaving separation from the, you know, the person that you were just with for nine months. So it's like there, there's a lot of that trauma and a lot of stuff that I know will never go away.

Even though she was only three and a half weeks old, there's still trauma there. And I think sometimes people don't realize that. I mean, I don't think it's as pronounced. I think that certainly the longer a kid has been. In the system, they have way more baggage, but, um, and that and that's why I think it's so [00:43:00] amazing for to for people to adopt older Children like to take a chance, so to speak, on a kid who's been in the system because there is going to be more stuff.

There just is, you know, and in the I hear that a lot from like people are just like, Oh, I can't because you know, it's just there's going to be too much and you know, but I mean, you guys don't have any special degrees or anything and you're, you're doing a great job.

Ted: Well, it's interesting like with your daughter's Isabella, right?

I mean, was she just one day sort of just handed to you and that was the first time because I mean, we're lucky because we actually spent. What, like eight months every weekend together to

Carlos: It was quick. Right. We did that process in less than a year, but I am, I am tenacious and I'm kind of a monster and you know, everything kept saying, these things take time.

Okay. I'm like, what things? Okay. How much time? Right. What is it? When they say, you know, what, what are the steps? Okay. Don't just tell me [00:44:00] things take time. So if they told me, you know, this was step one, step two, step three, um, and I come back and I'm like, okay, third step done. What's next? And be like, well, you know, and they, they, they consider him unadoptable.

I think they introduced us as, like I said, a failed placement. Um, it was his third failed adoption and they just wanted to, no, no, no, no, the social worker. And she was, I think that day, like I said, I was just frustrated and she was like, well, some kid came available. Let me introduce you. And I think it was more of a, you'll see what these kids are really like, um, and it was just an instant connection.

He was just, he had a little attitude and a little mouth on him, but he just interacted with us like immediately, no shyness, no, and he just seemed like us. Our type of people. He was a little sarcastic. He was a little cheeky. I mean, you sit there and say, I

Ted: mean, who wants someone who's going to do everything you tell them to do?

Carlos: Yeah, exactly. He was a [00:45:00] little bit defiant, a little pushback. You know, he just started playing the games. And he just walked us some, some huge teenagers and asked them to play, get into their basketball. And he was terrible at it, but he kept doing it. And it was just that day. And I said, I think we just met our son.

And Aww. Yeah,

Ted: yeah. That's so for you, Isabella, was she just all of a sudden just one day put in your arms or how did that work for

Rachel: you? So she, um, so we, it's such a long, long story that I would love to share with you guys sometime. I, I don't know that I can tell the whole thing, but we basically, um, We went to pick her up in the hospital.

I had gotten the call on a Friday about a baby girl who was available for adoption, blah, blah, blah. They started saying, you know, not available for adoption right away, but to foster. But they thought it might be a good chance of us being able to adopt because the birth mom had already had one child taken, um, Like lost a child to the system.

And so [00:46:00] that, uh, basically the, the more times that's happened, then the more likely the next placement is going to result in adoption. Right. So, yeah, so, so there was that. And then she also had heart surgery. Um, Three days after birth. And so she was still in the NICU and the birth parents had never come back to like, they basically left and just never came back.

And so she was in the NICU. And, you know, she she was recovering from heart surgery, like open heart surgery. So they told us about her on Friday. And then I was driving to an audition and I get the call and I pull over and they tell me and yes, okay, like, we'll take her go into the audition. And come back out and I'm driving home and I'm calling Joe and I'm like, we got it.

We're going to have a baby, you know, all this stuff. And then they call back and they're like, we're so sorry. We made a mistake. This baby is medically fragile. Um, we can't give her to you, but [00:47:00] you know, at least you practice saying yes. And, you know, whatever. And I was like, Oh, Oh, I really felt like it was.

Okay, all right, whatever. And so, okay, yeah, call him back. Like, it's not gonna happen. Like we're not, not this baby. So Monday, I'm at my agency for another audition. I'm a voice actor for listeners who don't know this. And so I'm sitting there and for whatever reason that day, there were, um, There was a pregnant lady who was in the lobby.

There was another person who had like a little baby. There was another, you know, it was just all these babies and kids and every, they were all talking. And, uh, they looked over at me and they said, What about you, Rachel? Do, do you have any kids? And I was like, well I almost did. I start telling them the story.

My phone rings. I pick it up and it's the social worker and he's like, remember that baby girl I called you about on Friday? And I was like, yeah. He's like, well, they reassessed her over the weekend and she is actually available. Like, do you still want her? I was like, yes, yes. Oh [00:48:00] my God. So I called Joe back and he's like, you better go in there and tell your agent right now.

And so I'm like, okay. And so yeah, so we got to pick her up, um, from the hospital, which was like such a dream of mine. It was when, when they were telling us the instructions originally, they were, um, they were going to deliver her. And I felt so sad because I, I had heard of people being able to like go, you know, sometimes they're present at the birth or whatever.

And I really wanted that piece. For me, like I just wanted that piece. And so I was so sad. And so we're on the phone with the social worker and she's going through all the things. And she, she was kind of complaining about like, Oh, I have to drive all the way up here and I have to do this and blah, blah.

And she was like all like, you know, upset about everything. And so I said, Hey, would it help you guys out if we just went to pick her up? And she was like, you would do that. And I was like, yeah, we would love to do that. And she was like, really? And I was like, um, yeah. We absolutely just tell us where to go, [00:49:00] like tell us what to do.

So yeah, that's that's what we did. So we got to like go in and she was in the NICU. She had all these um, Like, you know stuff all over like, you know wires coming out of her and everything and yeah

Ted: And then the social worker was there, met you at the hospital, and that the social worker put in your arms.

Rachel: And so they said, we were, we were looking all around the hospital. We got lost. It was like UCLA Westwood. It was like this big, huge hospital. We finally get up there and we go in and we're like, we're here to see Isabella. And the nurse is like, Oh, Isabella, we love Isabella. And I was like, Oh, and we go over and then yeah, they just, they took her and they just put her into our arms and.

And then we sat with her and we just sat with her for a while, um, probably like 30 minutes or something. And then they were like, okay, like she needs, you know, a change or whatever it was. And then the social worker like brought us into a room and like [00:50:00] told us, told us all the stuff. And it was. It's just crazy.

It's such a crazy, like, yeah, and it's a

Carlos: lot to adopt. I wouldn't be able, my heart wouldn't be able to take

Ted: it. I mean, if you had to give them back.

Carlos: Exactly. Just you getting that phone call without even having met the baby, your heart was broken. Imagine, you know, again, spending an hour, spending a day, spending a week, spending a year.

I've heard of, you know, after a year, parents show up and that's it. And, uh, you know, it's, it's, uh, my heart

Rachel: could take it, so. I know. It was really hard. That, that, with her, it was really difficult. It was a two and a half year journey and, and a two and a half year Just panic that that was going to happen, although we never had contact with the birth family.

So it was different from a lot of people's stories because we never had to do visits or anything like that. They were just gone like M. I. A. And um, but with, with my son, we didn't have that because he was a safe surrender. So even though it took almost two [00:51:00] years still, it, there was never that fear that he was going to be taken away from us except for the first two weeks because they get like 15 days or something to.

To change their mind and come back. So those first 15 days were like, and then. After that, it was kind of, they, they actually told us that they still could, the birth mom conceivably could come back and say she made a mistake for the, a good long time and they would still probably replace. Always the ultimate goal.

Yeah, exactly. So

Carlos: to get them back with the body, they terminated, they terminated his parents rights for a while.

But so, you know, that had been done. The issue with him was, um, he really fought every single person that tried to adopt. I mean, he did his loving. best to make sure that it failed. Um, I mean, I can tell you stories and we knew all these stories. We knew all of this and you know, and, and all [00:52:00] that. But, um, I remember him coming that first night and he stayed at our house.

Um, we had a glass on the, on the kitchen counter and he was having a fit. And so, you know, I just, she's trying to move them out of the room and he went to pick up that glass and it was about to throw it. And I knew that was, you know, from his father, yeah. And I looked at him straight in the eyes. You drop that.

You see, you throw that and you will never come back to our house. He put it down. That was it. Never happened again. Wow. Never happened again. That's amazing.

Ted: Can I just say one thing? And just if, if we're going to do foster to forever, right? I do think it would be important to talk about I'm sure there are amazing foster families out there And i'm sure of it, but i'm sure that like there's so many bad Yes, foster families.

Rachel: Yes, and I think we should talk about that. Absolutely

Ted: Yeah, well, it's just I feel like they're doing it for the money. Yeah, and They're not really providing kids with the basics I think social workers are going [00:53:00] to visit and they're just covering things up. I I believe

Rachel: You think the social workers are covering it up?

Ted: But they're overwhelmed No, not the social workers, the families that are fostering, they're making it sound like everything looks great.

And I think as soon as the social worker is gone, they're really doing like nothing for the child. I think. What do you think? I

mean, he was in clothes that were five times, five sizes too big. Yeah. The clothes he was wearing, we would pick them up. He never had underwear on. They were

Carlos: never clean. I mean. He did basic stuff.

He was really underweight. I mean, extremely, extremely underweight. Horrible haircut. And she was getting like two grand a month because he was considered, uh, you know, she had like three or four kids and, you know, now I just, we couldn't move. We would have to, we would buy him, bring him clothes and everything on the day.

And we were only supposed to have one hour visits. And she asked us to come early in the morning and keep them till eight o'clock. She wanted us even the entire day. She was like, don't tell the social work. And [00:54:00] then she would just go out. She would just be out of it now and whatever. And um, and then we would bring them back and, um, again, all of these were just, it was, and our journey was just meant to be meant to be.

I don't believe in any of these, I'm not superstitious or anything, but his middle name is the same as my husband's name. You know, he's a twin. My husband's a twin. You know, there were so many dates in the line and it was just, it was just odd the way everything happened. And, um, And it's just like you can't ignore it.

I'm sure I just notice it more because it's happening to me. I really am not very superstitious, but there's certain things you just cannot deny. I think the stars lined up for us.

Ted: I mean, if you had been here earlier, you would know that's a meant to be moment. Yeah.

Carlos: It just, it still feels that way. You know, and it still feels like that every day.

I know, but it's not, I mean, and then things happen every day where, you know, my words come out of his mouth naturally, you know, some of the mannerisms that he picks up and it just, you know, or, or just certain ways that he thinks or things that happen, it just, you know, um, or something might happen. It used to happen [00:55:00] to me and my brothers when we were little.

I know exactly where to go with it. And you know, and it's just how that happens, how it aligns is maybe tricks of the memory. Ah, who knows? But, um, I think people should listen to it when it happens. You know, um, again, I'm not superstitious. I say that, but then there's this one thing that happens. I mean, not to get off course, but, um, I would get lost in a certain neighborhood or something or, you know, miss an exit and then the, like two, three weeks would go by maybe no more than that.

And there was like some kind of opportunity in that neighborhood or in that area or somewhere where I never would have been before. And I'm most likely would say no, but because it happened, I will always say yes. Does it always work out? No. But I have had some amazing experiences for following them.

Yeah. And this was one of them.

Rachel: I, I, I believe all that stuff. I really do. Um, listen, you guys, I have loved talking to you. I've loved meeting you, Carlos. I really want to like someday hang out with you guys and like drink wine or something. Um, it's so good to see you, [00:56:00] Ted. And like, I'm so happy for you. And Daniel is so amazing. What a, what an amazing human. I call my kids and I'm sure you feel this way. My kids are warriors. Like they're warriors. They fought to be here and they're here and they're amazing humans. And I feel that for him too. So anyway, I'm just really happy for you guys. And thank you for doing this.

This has been the Foster to Forever podcast. Happy stories of non traditional families born through Foster to Adopt. Produced by Aquarius Rising. Edited by Jason Sarubbi at Split Rock Studios. Original music composed by Joe Fulginiti for more information or to stay in touch, visit from foster2forever.

com. That's from Foster the number 2 forever dot com. And stay connected with us on Instagram. At Foster Two Forever Podcast. That's Foster the number two Forever podcast. [00:57:00] We'll see you next time.